quinns_crossing (quinns_crossing) wrote in lost_loved_ones,

Grief Changes People

Our friend's son would have been 32 years old last month. Next month will be the second anniversary of his death, right around Thanksgiving.

I'm grateful for the advice that the Lutheran pastor gave to me, to "be diligent." The phrase sounds quaint, but he knew I needed those words. I understand that some friends will drift away from each other after a major loss. But it wasn't just about the other people, as it turned out. It was also about me. He knew that the friendship would be tested in a big way. This is not always as easy as it looks.

We still get along great. In fact, I talk or email with one or both of them every week. My husband isn't much for email, but he's always in the loop. When the four of us do get together, we basically pick up where we left off. It's not always like that when two or more couples are involved. But it can be.

Maybe I'm changing, too. Maybe I'm trading my one-dimensional perception of these people for a deeper one. Sure, I miss the way we used to play music together. Tim's father made it clear that he's just not ready to play again, and won't be for quite a while. I get a little wistful sometimes, but it's allowed me to see another whole side of these people. We talk current events. He helps me with computer skills. I didn't even know he was good at it. Before, I only saw them as "That church musician and his wife, the daycare lady." Those are good traits, but there's so much more to these people.

I'm still sorry Timmy died so young. His little girl is a delight. AND...I think this whole thing, of being a "support person" to a grieving family, is showing ME what I'm made of. I write this script. And the story is not finished...
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