bonafiscaliadad (bonafiscaliadad) wrote in lost_loved_ones,

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We made it

Yesterday, June 19th, was the first anniversary of the passing of our daughter. Looking back, it was a year lived on a day-by-day basis. 2010 was definitely the worst year I had since I realized „school is not fun and I have to go next year anyway“. Not that today is really much different from yesterday, but the mind is a strange thing and it tells me it is day 366 and that is easier than the days 1 to 365. Last June, the world suddenly turned duller. The sun – I am pretty sure I could still get sun burn - just does not shine as bright ... and who cares anyway. Although life continued, it didn’t matter as much. Maybe, hopefully more things will become important again now. I am looking forward to year 2 because year 1 was mostly about survival. I do not expect that everything will be different but not experiencing everything for the first time, first week or month without, first Christmas without, first birthday without, first vacation without, etc., etc. will be easier to bear, I hope. Will it make a difference between 07.00 a.m. and 05.00 p.m. (5 days a week = work), no. I don’t think I’ll wake up or get up in the morning differently and fully expect to sleep just as bad (or good) as before. It’s the hours that are left that I have to work on to be more than just simply lived, gotten over with and survived to fight another day. The flip side of the coin is that we have to work harder now to care for and preserve the memory of our daughter. I am not looking forward to that. Not that I do not want to remember, I do and I don’t think I have forgotten so much since yesterday, but „having to have to“ has become more difficult. Responsibilities are something that only work at work – where the world does not care about my fate. Privately, that is a whole different story. Don’t want it, don’t need it and if it can wait it should ! We made it, I think. Today does not look brighter but somehow that is a tiny bit easier to live with. I am really looking forward to .... say .... year 5 !
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