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17th October 2012

quinns_crossing9:37pm: Grief Changes People
Our friend's son would have been 32 years old last month. Next month will be the second anniversary of his death, right around Thanksgiving.

I'm grateful for the advice that the Lutheran pastor gave to me, to "be diligent." The phrase sounds quaint, but he knew I needed those words. I understand that some friends will drift away from each other after a major loss. But it wasn't just about the other people, as it turned out. It was also about me. He knew that the friendship would be tested in a big way. This is not always as easy as it looks.

We still get along great. In fact, I talk or email with one or both of them every week. My husband isn't much for email, but he's always in the loop. When the four of us do get together, we basically pick up where we left off. It's not always like that when two or more couples are involved. But it can be.

Maybe I'm changing, too. Maybe I'm trading my one-dimensional perception of these people for a deeper one. Sure, I miss the way we used to play music together. Tim's father made it clear that he's just not ready to play again, and won't be for quite a while. I get a little wistful sometimes, but it's allowed me to see another whole side of these people. We talk current events. He helps me with computer skills. I didn't even know he was good at it. Before, I only saw them as "That church musician and his wife, the daycare lady." Those are good traits, but there's so much more to these people.

I'm still sorry Timmy died so young. His little girl is a delight. AND...I think this whole thing, of being a "support person" to a grieving family, is showing ME what I'm made of. I write this script. And the story is not finished...

15th December 2011

j00lxw33dx38:14pm: Hi, I'm Julie.I am 17 years old in January. Almost 2 years ago I lost my mother, and I am still going through the grief process. If anyone needs any support, or just someone to talk to, please add me. <3

20th June 2011

bonafiscaliadad9:59am: We made it
Yesterday, June 19th, was the first anniversary of the passing of our daughter. Looking back, it was a year lived on a day-by-day basis. 2010 was definitely the worst year I had since I realized „school is not fun and I have to go next year anyway“. Not that today is really much different from yesterday, but the mind is a strange thing and it tells me it is day 366 and that is easier than the days 1 to 365. Last June, the world suddenly turned duller. The sun – I am pretty sure I could still get sun burn - just does not shine as bright ... and who cares anyway. Although life continued, it didn’t matter as much. Maybe, hopefully more things will become important again now. I am looking forward to year 2 because year 1 was mostly about survival. I do not expect that everything will be different but not experiencing everything for the first time, first week or month without, first Christmas without, first birthday without, first vacation without, etc., etc. will be easier to bear, I hope. Will it make a difference between 07.00 a.m. and 05.00 p.m. (5 days a week = work), no. I don’t think I’ll wake up or get up in the morning differently and fully expect to sleep just as bad (or good) as before. It’s the hours that are left that I have to work on to be more than just simply lived, gotten over with and survived to fight another day. The flip side of the coin is that we have to work harder now to care for and preserve the memory of our daughter. I am not looking forward to that. Not that I do not want to remember, I do and I don’t think I have forgotten so much since yesterday, but „having to have to“ has become more difficult. Responsibilities are something that only work at work – where the world does not care about my fate. Privately, that is a whole different story. Don’t want it, don’t need it and if it can wait it should ! We made it, I think. Today does not look brighter but somehow that is a tiny bit easier to live with. I am really looking forward to .... say .... year 5 !
Current Mood: blank

17th June 2011

quinns_crossing8:20pm: Fathers
This goes out to all fathers who have lost a child. Also to all those who have lost a father or a grandfather.

Friends tell me it is especially tough to get through major holidays, like the loved one's birthday, Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day.

Prayers and kind thoughts to all of you. May your loved ones send you a message from beyond to let you know they are watching over you!

30th May 2011

bonafiscaliadad9:59pm: NO
How long and how often can you ask WHY ? As we get closer to June 19th ( 1 year ) my nerves get tighter. At this point in time, trying to accept what happened gets more difficult and not easier. NO, it can't be true, it did not happen and not to us and after a good night's sleep I'll wake up and everything will be back to normal. Who am I kidding .... me, me, me, pleeeeeeease ! It's not going to work, is it ? On June 19, 2010 the lights were turned off, darkness came - no matter how light it gets ! A sharp picture suddenly dulled and I do not know how to re-focus. If I want the Earth to be flat, can I believe that ?? If I do not want "it" to be true, can I believe that too ? Hey Julia, I hope you miss me too !
Current Mood: sad

10th April 2011

bonafiscaliadad10:58pm: support groups
Is it masochistic to go to a support group? The last tear-time, grief-group meeting ended like many others: I was exhausted, I had cried - well, more shed some tears. I had heard sad stories and was glad our daughter did not have to suffer. I think it is right to go there and that it helps me, no matter how hard that sometimes is !
Then again, I get through the weeks okay. I have work during the day and a routine at home ( I really don't like when that routine is upset ). The weeks go by quickly .... and then, twice a months we have the group meeting and I am actively reminded of everything that is really wrong in my life: the only child is DEAD. It's sort of like poking into an open wound in the hope that the repetition, which may not ease the pain, will enable me live with the pain more easily.
I get it, I can't get the daughter back, but that hurts soooo bad sometimes and who am I to complain after ONLY 10 months, when I'm told it may take years to get over it.
I don't want to love the pain that memories bring ...... but at least twice a month I indulge.
Current Mood: sad

28th March 2011

bonafiscaliadad10:31pm: quinn's crossings last journal entry
Hi A., just read your journal and because it didn't really fit there, I'm commenting here. What wouldn't I give to hold the one we lost again. Many, many Japanese must be thinking the same thing these days. Tears came to my eyes on the last visit to the grave, reading the DAUGHTER'S name on the stone. Sometimes it so difficult to go there yet not going is even worse. These days with Japan and Libya and other Arabian countries it seems our world is NOT getting to be a better place to live. The icon is from our (living room) candle from the last Worldwide Candle Lighting on Dec.12, 2010. It is unimaginable how many more people grieve for lost ones at the end of this month. Yet all I want is my daughter back !
Current Mood: sad

22nd February 2011

dreab19829:32am: Don't ever forget to say I Love You!!!!

It has been exactly two years since my family and I found out that my oldest sister committed suicide.  I will never forget the day, because I just so happened to be with my mother when she got the phone call.  This is going to sound so bad, but I knew right away exactly what had happened.  I haven't asked myself over the last couple of years what  could I have done to avoid this situation because to be completely honest I don't think that there would have been anything that we could have done to prevent this from finally happening.  I don't even think I can count on both hands how many times she had tried to do it in the past and I hate to say this but it was almost inevitable that it would eventually happen. 

We didn't really have a rough child hood growing up, don't get me wrong we were on the opposite spectrum of the millionare status, but there was always enough love floating through our house that if you aren't used to it, it would probably make you sick.  Oriana and I were definitely your typical sisters growing up, she used to beat the crap out of me for fun and we basically hated each other as children, I remember at her funeral telling everyone during her Eulogy about the things that stuck out the most in my mind of our child hood were her dragging me across the carpet just to hear me scream and once she decided she wanted to put a crayon up my nose.  But once we got a little older we became ABSOLUTELY inseperable. 

Her biggest mistake I think to this day is the fact that she joined the ARMY.  She would never talk to me about the things that happened to her while she was in the military, but I found out after her passing that some pretty horrible things happened to her while she was in the service.  I still have every single letter she ever wrote me when she was in the military, not lying I kept EVERY single one of them that was how close we were then.  Well, unfortunately, her biggest problem was alcohol, and I just recently found out that she started drinking somewhere around her 8th grade school year.  And you know in the military drinking is a huge huge thing especially when they go on leave or get some R&R, so the massive amounts of alcohol that she had to have consumed over these years is probably off the charts.  To her in her mind alcohol was the answer to everything and she had to have no matter what and no matter when.  

In her fourth and final year in the military, my sister slit her wrists in the ARMY barracks.  To this day we still have absolutely no freaking idea how she survived that because she cut so deep she hit tendons in her wrist.  If I can remember correctly she was so so drunk that the doctor said that might have been what had saved her, there is no answer.  Well, of course she was harming government property and they immediately put her in a mental ward for a little while, during which the whole time she had no use of her hands and trusted no one to help her, so of course I dove two hourse everyday after school to take care of my sister, I didn't care, as far as I was concerned she was going to get fucking better.  She ended up having to go to Walter Reed Army Facility to have surgery on her wrists so that she might get the use of her fingers again and we drove from SC to Washington in one day, called last minute to go pick her up.  Which by the way she told us this while she was all doped up on pain meds and she was being paranoid that the ARMY wasn't going to get her back home, which we found out later was the plan the whole time, but when it comes to family we will drop whatever we are doing and go where ever we are told.  Needless to say she got discharged from the ARMY thank goodness with a medical discharge.

She comes back home goes to college, but definitely didn't quit drinking that wasn't on the agenda, and while she in the psych ward she got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder which is a freaking scary thing.  Kind of like Bi Polar, but with a millions times worth of rage on top of it.  And apparently she was having pyschotic episodes during this time but I had no idea because I hadn't experienced that side of her quite yet because I was still well under age.  

She was lucky to find a man that loved her with everything that he had and they were together for almost 9 years.  However, he would go over seas a lot because of the wars in Iraq & Afghanistan, so she would be alone and no telling what was going on then because she was living two hours away again.  Well then while he was gone she came to visit and I saw first hand what happens to a person who has that disease and mixes it with alcohol, it became the thing that I was always on the look out for because you could see it in her eyes, just pure rage and hatred.  She hit me so many times that night over the head with her cell phone, which she broke on my head, and then she tried a few times to slam me on the concrete ground.  Got pissed because I wouldn't go down and then left me almost and hour away from my house.  That was the beginning of the biggest mistake that I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life.

She never did this in front of the parents and they never really believed me that it was as bad as I was making it out to be, but I was so happy that they never had to witness her in that state, because for some unknown reason she had so much resentment for our parents and I don't know what the fuck caused that.  Well, she and I had quite a few more battles and they never got any better, she was just always so freaking angry at the world and everything that was wrong was because of me. 

Well, unfortunately then it finally happened to my parents, they got to witness it first hand and I just don't even know how to finish this statement.  Basically, they were crushed!!!!  We had done everything in our power to let her know how much we loved, how much we wanted her around, she was our family our blood, but to her, honestly, none of that matter.  So after she did this to our parents, I just flat out told her to go fuck herself and I told her that if she didn't go talk to someone or do something to make things a little better for herself I never wanted to speak to her again.  Of course our parents forgave her for what she did, which absolutely was the right thing, but I could never forgive her for all the horrible horrible things that she had done to me and then she did it to our parents too, nope not having it.  

She went to visit her best friend down in florida the October before she passed away, and had an episode so bad that she was chasing her best friends husband around the house and the yard with a butcher knife, if that can tell you how horribly she was progressing.  My little sister and I actually got into a verbal fight because my older sisters best friend called me freaking out, cops were called, and so on but we got into a fight because I called Oriana's  husband to find out what was going on and Oriana got pissed and started cussing me out and I am sure you can get the picture.  But my little sister made a statement to me that I will never ever ever forget, "Are you always going to be so angry with her, what if she finally succeeds in killing herself like she has been trying to do all these years?" 

Well that was the last we heard from them, Thanksgiving and Christmas pass and we don't hear anything from her.  So January roles around and one night she finally calls to wish our Parents a Happy Anniversary, which seemed weird to call so early.  Mom said she sounded really depressed and was quiet but wanted to wish her a Happy Anniversary and that was pretty much the extent of that conversation. 

Now keep in mind my sister graduated from college became a fantastic nurse, and was always overly punctual, never called out of work, hell probably went to work early every single day.  I don't know to this day how she did it, the drinking, while being a nurse but she was damned good at what she did.  Well, a couple days after she called mom apparently she missed one day of work and the nurses at the hospital didn't do anything but when she missed a second day of work and didn't call or answer the phone they knew something was wrong.  And I didn't tell you this part but my sister and her husband had been separated for a few weeks so he wasn't staying at the house.  So the nurses call the police but they had to get the husband too.  

Well, they found my sister on her bed with a bullet in her head, and had been there like that all alone for god knows how many days.  

That was the first thing that got me was that my sister was all alone and she def didn't deserve to be alone for all those days.  Then, the realization started sinking in that my sister died thinking I hated her, which I didn't I was just so angry because she wouldn't help herself get better.  I also hadn't had a decent conversation with my sister in over two years and I have no fucking clue when the last time I told her I loved her.  I felt like the most selfish bitch alive when things finally came down to it and I just went into complete shock for at least 6 months.  I still to this day have no idea how to handle this.  There is not a minute that goes by that she is not on my mind, and I can pretty much say that for the last two years I have cried almost everyday for her.  I knew there was nothing that I could to have made the situation different because she didn't want to get better.  She refused medication, never talked to anyone.  I will also have this statement in my head "what if she finally succeeds in killing herself like she has been trying to do all these years?"  And then she fucking does it. 

It has been two years and everyone keeps telling me it will get better, I promise it will.  I don't think it will ever get better, my heart hurts so bad everyday that I am awake for her, but I am hoping that with more time it will get easier.  I will never be able to forgive myself for not being there for her in the end.  And that is going to completely eat me up until the day I die.
  
 


 
Current Mood: gloomy

20th January 2011

bonafiscaliadad11:35pm: Support group Thursday
Two hours of tear time and I am glad I went. I am exhausted and tired now but really glad that I attended. A couple who called it quits after 3 meetings because they thought they were handling things well, came back now. Seems Christmas and New Years was tougher on them than expected. There are 12 of us now, if all attend, and with that the group is officially closed, i.e. we will not have any new members anymore and a new, new group will be formed. This is good because we now know our tragedies already and the additional burden of hearing a new fate is gone. We can concentrate on learning to handle the pain.
We all miss our children dearly and have barely begun to try to accept that they will never be back.
Current Mood: exhausted

7th January 2011

quinns_crossing4:40pm: Support People?
Our friend's 30-year-old son died just before Thanksgiving from an overdose of Vicodin combined with something else. We didn't know the young man, but we know how much the dad and stepmother loved him. I tried to find him for them but his situation was much worse than anticipated. He was dead less than 12 weeks after I began the search.

Mostly, I'm just trying to be there for both of them. I know that most friends can't handle it. But sometimes I wish somebody would support ME. I try not to lean on my husband and other friends too much about this. They can't handle it. And of course my two friends support me just as much as I can support them.

I left two voicemails and an email with the priest who said the Mass, but he hasn't answered. It's time for me to call somebody else.

The couple has been handling this about as well as one can handle those circumstances. One day at a time. I've read some books, but I need human contact. It's about the anxiety. I'm not afraid of THEM or their feelings. I'm afraid of messing up and offending one or both of them in their time of need.

Being there is better than not being there. I know I make a difference. I just wish I had a living role model so I wouldn't feel so much like I'm winging it. Thanks for listening.

6th January 2011

bonafiscaliadad11:29pm: support groups
We had the first meeting of our support group (see my posting of Dec. 17th) in the new year tonight. As usual, emotionally strenuous but nevertheless quite good. Since the group is not quite "closed" (after it is "closed", the group does not change anymore and will meet regularly for 3 years. New bereaved parents will have to wait until a new group forms), we had a new member tonight. That worked out fine though. We all had too much to say (grief seminar for some early Dec., X-mas, New Year etc.). I am glad I have the group, because it is the only place I can cry openly without the fear of stupid (put nicely) remarks. Men grieve too, just different from women and I am glad I have the group, even if I was the only man tonight. I can only urge everyone who has lost a loved one to look for group where you can learn to live with the tragedy that has happened.
Current Mood: calm

17th December 2010

bonafiscaliadad1:06pm: Julia (bonafiscalia) on June 19, 2010
It will have been +/- 6 months tomorrow. Julia, 20 years old, our only child (not our choice !), fell over and died. Just like that. There is no "but she had....." or "but she was ...." or another person or situation to "blame". She just died. Suddenly, unexpectedly, painless for her (so we have been told by all doctors) and unimaginably painful for us. Life as we knew it ended and now we're starting to pick up the pieces because LIFE GOES ON. (official cause of death: natural causes, pulmonary embolism caused by a massive thrombosis of unknown and unexplainable origin, no known risk factors of any kind, just the non-perfect human machine)

Men and women grief differently. We all know this. We have had much help from friends, family and the "Verein für verwaiste Eltern Hamburg e.V. - which is the local German equivalent of "The Compassionate Friends" (check locally if they have exist in your country or at www.compassionatefriends.org in the US. They list other countries as well). We used to hear "Times heals all wounds", today I know that is not true but I am really trying to learn to live with the pain. I do not want to forget, I do not want the "wound" to heal, I don't want to "get over it and move on" - I want my daughter back or at the very least to learn to bear the pain and go on living. I know she can't come back but I also know I can be happy again, I can go on living and in time I be able to live with the pain.

I have come to understand, that many people do not know how to react and that only parents who have lost a child - never should a child die before his/her parents - can truly understand the situation we're. But there is help out there, we just have to do the work and a) find it and b) let ourselves be helped. Nobody said it would be easy - it is NOT. Nobody warned us.

One of my ways of dealing : I'm using the MacBook we gave her, I started my own facebook page and now I started my own LJ. Trying to understand her private world better helps sooth the pain.
Current Mood: sad

12th October 2010

augustafunk8:03pm: I lost my best friend and soulmate to suicide coming up on five years ago. And I still cannot get out of the cycle of self destruction it has brought. How do I heal from this? How do I learn to be ok? when all I want is for this to be over so I can be with him. How do I stop hurting everyone I love because I hate myself so much?

19th July 2010

bianco_jade11:02pm: One week after my first week in graduate school I was called home to find out my father had passed away due to a unforeseen heart attack. My father was a big part of my life. One month later my grandmother passed away in her sleep. Again another major person in my life gone. A month ago a grand-uncle passed. While I was not close to him he was still family that I seen growing at, sitting across the holiday table. A few days ago my great grandmother passed, just a month early we had found out she had cancer and was opting not to take any treatment. She was such a strong person and she played a major role in the kind of woman I am today. 

I've cried and done the mourning thing. 

But I don't think it's enough. The one that's really hurting me is my dad. I just never thought I would be 25 and facing a future without him. The year before he passed was a hard one for all of us and it was starting to turn around. 

I have such realistic dreams about things that never happened but he's there and it's like he never left.

I really don't think I'll ever be at a point where it'll be okay.  

6th July 2010

joowlz8:48pm: re death of loved ones
My best friend of over 10 years died on my birthday early this year, and despite being over crying stage, cannot get motivated

31st May 2010

davidkevin10:51pm: "Always Faithful"
My father's body is buried at Jefferson Barracks National Cemetery.

Just his body. Once a Marine, always a Marine.
Current Mood: proud

3rd December 2009

xrainbowchick4:11pm: More than just a friend.
My name is Christine and on November 29, 2009 I lost a close friend to Drunk Driving. Steven Dankos was a kid I grew up with and have been friends with for many years. He was killed in a drunk driving accident early Sunday and we had his funeral today. When I say we grew up together I really mean it. We lived down the street from each other for 14 years until he moved away. Though I wasn't close to him throughout high school his cousin is my best friend. He and his cousin lived next door to each other and all three of us and the other siblings and cousins and kids in our neighborhood always used to hang out. I can remember many afternoons of kickball games, waterfights, and biking races. Some stories just stick in your mind like how Steven was always the one to have to get the kickball from the grumpy next door neighbors when we kicked the ball over the fence. How he and his cousin Angie had to pretty much carry me home when I wrecked out on my bike. How he being the dare-devil that he was fell through the roof to a shed he decided to climb on top of. Stories like these are how I remember my childhood. As I attended his funeral today, I couldn't help but cry because I felt as if we didn't spend enough time together. I felt as though I should have tried harder to remain a friend to him as well as his cousin. I completely mourn his loss because he was an awesome childhood friend. One who teased everybody but also had a smile for everyone. I think it's hard for me to deal with this because he was just seventeen and he's the first of my friends to ever die.
When I think back to Sunday, I can only say I was shocked. We didn't have school on Monday so my friend (who is his cousin) and I were planning to go shopping and she had stated that she was going to text me with out plans. When she texted me all she said was do I remember Steve. I texted yeah I remember Steve, all the while I was thinking that she was just going to be like he's coming shopping with us. I can't deny that I had seen a recent picture on facebook of him and was like WOW he is so attractive. At 6 feet tall, Steve was a tall guy who was a star football player and very good looking. I was thinking about this and getting excited thinking Monday is definitely going to be a good day. That is until she texted me back saying, Steve was killed in a drunk driving accident this morning. I can think of no other word but shock to describe how I felt. Shock because a kid that I had known for such a long time (all of my childhood plus we had gone from Kindergarten to Eighth grade together at the same school) was dead. I'm going to miss him like crazy because even though we weren't close in the last couple of years I always remember our crazy times together.

RIP Steve
August 20, 1992-November 29, 2009

29th November 2009

hereitisnow11:25am: A very close friend
My name is Jen and I'm new to this, I have lost quite a few people but the one I was most affected by was a really close friend of mine...
It's been almost three years since the accident and it still feels like he just left my house last night. His name was Andrew and he was amazing, I was only fifteen when I met him and we were both in our high school drama club. He was eighteen and a senior. He was that guy that I had a crush on so bad, but knew I would never have. But then things changed. His girlfriend was pregnant, but they had a lot of issues and he was excited about his baby coming but not very interested in her anymore. So anyways I would take ways to my class that I knew I would walk by him and hope to catch his eye for even a second. Then one day I went with him to get some food during a rehearsal and I think he could tell I was interested. And I think I could tell he was interested too.
We became pretty good friends. I was in charge of following lines and he was the lead role so we had plenty of time to just stare at each other without it really being noticed by others.

It hurts to recall these moments.
It hurts to think that I can have so much given to me, so much I longed for, then have it ripped away.
I think of him at least once a day still, his baby, which he never got a chance to meet, is a beautiful boy.

It is hard for me to talk to people about what me and Andrew had, because technically he had his girlfriend. It was a very complicated situation.

It feels good to know that there is a place I can go to write about this where other people understand the pain of loss and that it doesn't go away

25th November 2009

karat196410:54pm: Lost my son
I lost my 19 y/o son 3 years ago and my heart has been literally broken, and a part of me died with him. I have recurring nightmares and visions - and can't get them out of my mind.
Some days I feel like i'm losing my mind - I still can not grasp the fact that he his gone.

The accident:

My son and his friends (all underage) had been drinking (alcohol supplied by one of his friends mothers) at my parents house (where my son was living), and decided to go somewhere. My son's license had been suspended for a DUI he received earlier in the year, so one of his friends was driving his (my son's) car. My son and one of the other boys got into a fight in the backseat of the car, so the driver pulled over on the highway to stop the fight. My son got out of the car and refused to get back in, he told the other boys to take this boy home, which only lived a mile (approx) down the road, this was at 11:30pm. My son left his phone and wallet in the car, because they were coming right back to get him. My son only had on a T-shirt and it was almost freezing out. At 6:30am (7 hours later) the next morning, my son was "wandering" around in the road (the exact spot where his friends left him) and was struck by a Ford F150 and was killed instantly.

The Phone Call:
I was living in Kentucky at the time (3 hours away) with my husband. I worked late that night and didn't get home until like 7:30pm. As I walked in the door the phone was ringing.
My husband said "It's probably your mom, she called earlier." It was my mom, she said "Is Dean there with you?" I said yes, she asked if I was sure - i'm like yes mom, i'm looking right at him why? She said I have some bad news, I figured it was about my dad (his health is not good), and she said "Jordy was killed instantly this morning." WHAT? She said, he was struck by a truck and killed this morning. All I could do was scream "NO NO NO NO NO" and I dropped to the floor. I hear these words - every day - and I picture my sweet sons face. Then I picture his bruised, battered and broken body. My poor baby!
My husband had to find the phone and talk to my mom to find out what happened, because I could not speak - not a word.

Of course I wanted to leave immediately, but my husband said "there's nothing we can do tonight, go pack and we'll leave first thing in the morning." My husband is in the Army and had to call and get a family emergency leave to be able to travel out of state, that is another reason we had to wait. I don't remember packing, I don't remember even sleeping that night.

Phone Calls To Make:
Oh my God, I had to call my youngest son (14)and tell him?! What was I going to say, how was I going to tell him that his brother (and idol) was dead? I called and talked to his step-mother and found out that my mom had already called her and told her, because she (mom) knew that I probably would not be able to do it. My youngest son was/is devastated, although he does not and will not talk about it.
I had to call Jordan's God Parents, I know I did, but don't remember what I said or what they said. I called others - don't remember who, or what was said.
Then I started gathering what pictures I could find of Jordan to make a memorial board. Thant kept me busy for a while, but brought on a whole new realm of emotions; good and bad.

The Trip Home:
We got up early and started our 3 hour trip - I don't remember any of it, except meeting up with my youngest son to take him with us. I don't remember arriving at my parents or what I did when I first got there.

In the mean time, some of Jordan's friends (the ones that left him) were downstairs, in his room, taking his things. Taking pictures that he had,taking Cd's and taking his clothes!
I was livid! I told them all to leave! How could they do that? How could they be so disrespectul and selfish?

Things To Do:
Mom and dad had already contacted the funeral home and set up a time to meet with them to make the arrangements.
So while waiting to go to the funeral home, mom called the officer that worked the accident scene and we met her at the scene so she could explain what happened and where. It was cold and rainy that day. She just pointed in the general area (we could not park close to the actual spot) as to where he was hit and where his body was found. I couldn't take it - I had to leave.
Mom told me I needed to pick out an outfit - the hardest thing!
What am I going to bury my son in?! Mom said she had just bought him a beautiful blue sweater, so I went downstairs to his room to look for it - his friends had taken almost all of his clothes! The blue sweater was not anywhere to be found! I was furious! I went back up stairs and told my mom - she was mad as well. Luckily, she had just done some of his laundry and it was still in the dryer. She had also bought him an awesome orange sweater, so I chose that and a pair of his new jeans.

Time to go to the funeral home - at this point I am totally numb, in shock and in denial that my son is gone. So after putting his outfit together, we headed to the funeral home. I had no idea what to expect, and had no idea how hard it would be. It was a definite reality check when the Funeral Director asked me what I wanted the obituary to say. Then it was a matter of where I wanted to bury my son - - - - b u r y m y s o n! I had no idea - never thought I would ever have to do that. I chose the local cemetery, so he would be close to "home". Then it was a matter of picking a plot, or picking a spot in the mausoleum. My husband suggested the mausoleum - that way he won't be in the cold - wet ground. This made complete sense to me, Jordan hated being cold. So I picked the top row - right in the center - facing the south. He would always have sunshine! Then came the 2nd hardest part - picking out his casket. Picking out my son's final bed. I chose a beautiful baby blue one - to match his beautiful and bold blue eyes.
Time to decide what type of memorial service I wanted, what visitation hours, what minister and what time I wanted the funeral to be. Why do we have to make so many decisions when we are not in our right frame of mind? Thank God for my husband and my mother!
I then had to decide who was going to be pall bearers - who did I want carrying my son to his final resting place? I chose Jordan's longest & closest friends, and had to end up splitting them into 2 groups; one group to carry from funeral home to hurse and one group from hurse to mausoleum. They were all honored when asked.

Visitation Day:
Family members got to have 2 hours private visitation before friends and other family members could come. My husband and I along with my youngest son arrived and before I could get my coat off, my youngest son went into the viewing room. He came out crying and said "I can't do this mom." My heart broke for him, I wanted him to wait so I could go up there with him.
I tried to prepare myself, because he suffered massive trauma to his head and body. I'll never forget walking in and seeing him for the first time. I lost it - not only emotionally, but every ounce of feeling in my body! I will never forget that - it is a constant picture in my mind. The funeral director did an excellent job preparing him for visitation, but it was the fact of seeing my son lying there - gone! I told my husband that my mom and dad would not be able to handle it and closed the casket. But after thinking about it - I decided that his "friends" needed to see what they did, and opened his casket back up.
My mom and dad arrived - and it was so sad to see them try and deal with this horrible reality. My dad was like a father to Jordan, he worshiped the ground Jordan walked on.

Time for friends and family to start showing up. I saw people I hadn't seen in years - both friends and family. Jordan's friends that I knew and a lot that I didn't know came. At one point, there was a lady sobbing all over my son, I did not know her, so I asked her who she was, and when she told me her name I came unglued! She was the mother that supplied the boys with alcohol all the time. Not that that wasn't enough - she was DRUNK! I told my husband to have her escorted out of the funeral home and to make sure she did not come back in. My mom thought I was horrible for that, but I do not regret it one bit! My youngest son came up to me a little later and said "mom, please let "Lillly" come back in, she's outside crying."
WHAT - I don't care what she's doing - she's not coming back in here!
Visitation was suppose to be from 4 to 8. I got there at 2 and the last person didn't leave until almost 10. We had over 500 people come through. I was emotionally drained and physically exhausted.

The Funeral:
It was cold that day, a very grey sky and very windy. We had a full house with standing room only and more outside. Our neighbor (my co-worker), and my boss came - all the way from Kentucky. My husband's Chief and another soldier came (from Ft. Knox), in full dress blue uniforms (you should have seen everyone's faces when THEY walked in).
The minister and asst. minister sang Knockin on Heaven's door; there was not a dry eye anywhere - even theirs!
Some of Jordan's friends got up and spoke and shared wonderful memories; from when he was like 2 and up until the time he died. They were wonderful and sincere.
Then it was my turn. I had not even thought about saying anything; but felt compelled to reach out to the younger generation and point out that alcohol and drugs are not a way of life, that life is too short, and that they are invincible. I told them that no mother should have to bury their child due to ignorance and irresponsible people. I told them that they all need to stop drinking and doing drugs, that I did not want to have to show up to one of their funerals and comfort their parents! I don't know where the strength came from or the words (I know it was God), but if I reached just one of them - then I did what I was suppose to do. If just one changed their life - then my son's death is not in vain.
Time to go to the cemetery; everyone came through and said their final goodbye's and gave their final condolences to me, my other son, my husband and my parents, then went to their cars. Then it was just us, my co-workers, my husband's fellow soldiers, a few very close friends and the funeral home people. I had to decide what flowers to take to the cemetery, what flowers, Angels and other things to keep. Then it was time to say our final goodbyes to Jordan and close the casket. I didn't want to say goodbye, I didn't want to leave him - I didn't want to close that "door"! Everyone was standing around chatting and waiting on me to do this, and the one time my husband leaves my side during this whole ordeal - and I fainted.
I hit my head hard on the ground, which added to an already migraine and I just screamed - NO NO NO NO NO - it's not fair - it's not real! They had to literally drag me out of the funeral home and put me in our truck.

The Cemetery:
As we arrived at the cemetery and got out of the car - I looked and saw the line of traffic that was following - WOW! I bet it was 5 miles long - all people for my son's funeral!
It ended up being very,very windy and snowing hard as we did the graveside service. Luckily we had a tent and portable heaters (thanks to the cemetery). After the minister spoke the pall bearers put Jordan's casket on an elevator like thing and it was raised up to his "spot". At the moment they were sliding his casket in; the sun came out for a brief moment, shining brightly on my son's casket! And as fast as the sun shone - it left.

From this moment on - I am forever heartbroken!

The next day - as we headed out of town to make the 3 hour journey home, back to Kentucky, we stopped at the actual spot of the accident so I could put flowers in the median. What I did not expect was to see the outline of my son's body that they drew in bright flourescent orange paint! I totally lost it and fell to the ground. How could they leave that there? I have never felt so alone and numb in my entire life. I don't remember that long drive home, I don't remember walking in the door. But I was suppose to go on with my life - like nothing happened?

My husband got mad at me, because I didn't want to have sex. I just buried my son the day before - what was he thinking? I had no desire to make "love", to be intimate - all I wanted was to be with my son - see him again - hear his voice again - give him a hug again. Sex was the furthest thing from my mind!

I ended up having to be put on sleeping pills - 1 so I could sleep, and 2 so I wouldn't keep having the nightmares and visual images of my son, of the accident scene, and picturing the actual accident.

After about a month - of pure hell, I decided that I needed to go back "home", to where my son and parents lived, to try and deal with my son's death, to try and comprehend the reality that he was gone.

My parents got a copy of the coroners report, and did not tell me until my last day there and then made me promise not to open it until I got back home in Kentucky. I waited till I got home and then read it. I wish I would have never even got that stupid report. After reading all the details of the accident, and his injuries - I had even more vivid images. More sleeping pills and 3 weeks off of work.

Then came all the questions:
Where in the hell did his friends go? Did they go back to get him? Why didn't they go back?
I still to this day have these questions, because no one will tell me the truth, and stories have been told - different ones, from different people! I think these questions will always haunt me!

My husband and I went through a lot of troubled times - because he doesn't understand the pain I am going through - he is military and has no emotions - that is what they are taught.

Some days I think I am doing better - excepting it - and then there are days that it is like living those first days all over again. I look at his picture and still can't believe that he is gone - and it has been 3 long - emotional years!
I don't know if I will ever accept that he is gone - how does a mother do that?

Has anyone else here - lost a child? How do you deal with it - how do you grieve?
I can't get through a day without wondering how i'm suppose to grieve. I have read all kinds of books and have even been through some classes - and nothing seems to help!

Sorry this is so long - but I was told to write about it and that it is a part of grieving and will help with the grieving process.

In Loving Memory of Matthew "JORDAN" Thompsoon
January 28, 1987 ~ October 24, 2006
I love and miss you son



Current Mood: numb

20th November 2009

perfktpicture11:08pm: Hello everyone,
I havent had anyone pass away but i feel so empty as i have lost 3 of my best friends. The most pain comes from my recent best friend, i felt like we where sould mates, but our friendship ended when i moved away & got married. I would love to make some friends who can help me to cope with my lose.
Thank You for your time

14th September 2009

luckyforlife008:35pm: 9 days too long
 i am a 20 year old college junior. i study an hour and a half away from home. exactly 9 days ago, i received the news that my best friend of 8 years died. he was driving at 4 am in the morning, no one knows why, and hit two trees. he was killed instantly.

for years now, i have had two best friends. one named ryan. one name dustin. dustin was the one who was killed. and i now do not know what to do with myself.

i cant eat. dont want to get out of bed. and am completely miserable. after missing my first week of classes, i am back at school, completely oblivious to the world around me.

i am just so lost. and the worst part is that i didnt speak to this kid for over a month prior to this accident. we got in a fight in late july. we always make it, it had happened before, but to know that for the last month of his life we didnt speak - it kills me.

i wish i had seen him just one last time. i wish i had heard his voice one last time. i do not understand. its not fair for him to be gone. he was a good kid. and now everything is fucked up. i just want him to be back. i keep thinking my phone will ring and his name will be displayed on the screen. 

....i really wish that would happen.
i miss him so much.
ive never felt this way before.
Current Mood: depressed

22nd July 2009

fauxconfidence1:06am: I Clung to His Pillow...
Today (being that it's well after midnight), marks three months of my husband being gone. Usually on monthly "anniversaries," I visit his headstone at the moment that he passed away. Unfortunately, though, I have class tonight, so that won't be an option.

It didn't occur to me until I originally laid down to sleep tonight, also, that this Saturday marks exactly one year from when the doctor walked into his hospital room, and told him and his parents that they were only giving him a 50% chance of making it out of the hospital alive. It was at that moment that I lost it; and everything rushed back... Like my self-blame, the feelings I felt at some important moments when things were changing, or when we were trying to acclimate ourselves to new situations; and I just hate it all, but wouldn't want to trade it for the world.

I was playing matron of honor, that night... When he was diagnosed.

I find myself, lately, just wanting to drive down to Indianapolis. I want to visit the hospital that we frequented for so many days straight. I want to relive those memories... And I think that subconsciously, I hope that he would be there.

For some reason, it still hasn't fully dawned on me that he's gone.

And ps -- my name's Bethany; and I'm 22.
Current Mood: restless

11th May 2009

starlet32:24pm: my uncle has been killed..it happened a week ago.

funny, my brother was killed a year ago March.

its breaking me.
orange_freeze74:09pm: please help
I lost both my parents almost 5 years ago, and I am now engaged, but I have no one to help me pay for the wedding, so we are going to have to save up for years and years to be able to get married the way we would like. I am in a contest in St. Louis to win a free wedding. If you could all just go online and vote, it only takes 5 minutes and it would mean the world to my fiance and I. Please feel free to read our story and pass it along.

Here is the link to our story: http://www.loufuszgiveaway.com/Details.aspx?wid=127

Here is the link to register to vote: www.loufuszgiveaway.com

Thank you for your time.

Amanda
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